MonKeyArtAwards

Un Mission Muy Viejo

If you’re like us, your design philosophy is to capture an emotional response from the viewer through a dizzying array of design elements or through a single iconic image or through whatever piece of crap you can get your client to sign off on before the weekend. Which is why we saw ourselves mirrored so exactly in our latest Mystery Mission Statement Agency:

----- is a visual solutions provider to entertainment and corporate based markets. (sure, it sounds poncy, but it takes a real guts to call yourself a “visual solutions provider” with a straight face) We employ throughout our company a staff of highly talented, highly motivated individuals whose sole mission is to develop arresting and unique design options, through imagination, innovation and creativity. (anyone developing design options through any other means, such as scrolling through impawards, looking at photographer’s websites or flipping through fashion magazines will be swiftly terminated)

At -----, uniqueness is our specialty. (in fact, uniqueness is so pervasive it’s downright commonplace) We are always looking for new and innovative ways to push the design envelope, (we need to push the envelope in order to fit our big, fat invoices in it) bringing unexpected solutions to set each design apart. (if that doesn’t work, we mount them on foamcor with a 4” margin all around) Our design philosophy is to capture an emotional response from the viewer through a vast array of design elements or through a single iconic image.

Customer service is our top priority. (riiiiight. just ask any of our art directors) We strive to deliver the highest quality product in accordance with the needs of our clients by adapting to an ever-changing schedule. (our client needs it by Thursday so they can send it back for total revisions on Friday to be made by Monday when they get back from Palm Springs)

The team at ----- has provided visual design solutions (like we said: we’re a “visual design solutions provider”, you got a visual design problem with that, mister?) to many top domestic and international companies, who entrust us with taking their product to new heights in design making it different from anything else in the marketplace. (but not so different that it can’t be instantly identified as just one more entertainment product in the marketplace)

Our extensive portfolio illustrates our vast knowledge and experience and demonstrates why we are the premiere choice for creative design. (or, as we like to call it, graphic iconography conceptualization and development) 

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Mission In Action

If you're like us, you judge an agency is not by the quality of their work, but by the quantity of words they use to describe their work. Which is why we take special delight in this novella-length Mystery Mission Statement: 

---- is fuel for marketing. What does that mean, exactly? (well, to be exactly exact it doesn't mean anything, but allow us, if you will, a little poetic license... not to be confused with Poetic Justice, that bygone ad boutique of the 90s) For the past 5 years through the use of print, television, online and viral initiatives, ---- has launched hundreds of mini-brands. (discreet enough to wear every day, mini-brands are ideal for those light flow days.) These mini-brands are movies, video games and consumer products targeted at the 18-35 year old consumer. (or any one else in a state of arrested adolescence with an extra $50 or $60 to spend)

Our philosophy and work ethic is based on a bare-knuckle, blue-collar, approach to an industry that is very guilty of taking itself way too seriously. (much the same way we poncy art majors take ourselves way too seriously by butching things up with phrases like “bare knuckles” and “blue collar” as part of our delusional fantasy that we actually have something in common with the working class) We do this because we love what we do and consider it a privilege to do it. (did we say privilege? we meant to say soul crushing burden) Having a studio trust us to create the print campaign to represent a $150 million movie, or having a video game publisher let us create an entire campaign for a $20 million game is a task that we take very seriously. (you’ll see just how seriously when you get our invoice)

---- was started by three partners who wanted to break away form the established way of “advertising” and all that comes along with it. (like deadlines and unnecessary quotation marks) Every assignment, every challenge, no matter what the size, is treated the same way: an opportunity to do things differently and really break away from the expected in order to reach the consumer. (except, of course, those impossible-to-reach consumers who expect us to break away from the expected and are already expecting the unexpected)

The following pages illustrate our work and include a few case studies to illustrate the effectiveness of the individual campaigns. (we’ve also included a few illustrations to illustrate our illustrative work) We also fully encourage both potential and current clients to visit our shop. The energy that comes from people who love what they do can’t be faked – it’s contagious. (hazmat suits are available in the lobby) We hope you enjoy the work.

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Another Mystery Mission Statement Accomplished

If you’re like us, you have nothing better to do all day than troll the Internets looking for agencies’ "About Us" pages to make sport of. 

But even we, who have dedicated our lives to this pursuit, cannot keep track of all the shops that come and go in this crazy biz called show. You can't swing a cat without hitting a designery boutique around here these days, although it remains to be seen how many will remain to be seen by the end of 2009.

So see if you can guess which one of the billions and billions of entertainment advertising agencies out there is home to our latest Mystery Mission Statement: 

----- is a team of seasoned professionals, including former studio executives (whoa! Where did you ever find any of them in this town?!!) and creative directors that are here and ready to meet your every need.

Our hand picked, highly talented team (unlike machine picked teams you find at other agencies) specializes in the creation of print campaigns for Feature Films, Network Television, Cable, Home Entertainment as well as the Independent Market. While working with ----- you can always count on a fresh approach to each project. We work timelessly (note to self: we’ve got to get a system in place for tracking hours spent on jobs) to ensure that your project is done to the highest standard each time it leaves our studio (and comes back again and again and again for revisions). ----- will get to know your target market and learn to speak their language (unless, of course, they speak Portuguese, which would be a total waste of our time). Our team works hard to make your life easier by becoming your partner in every way (except, of course, sexually, which would be a total waste of your time).

----- demands excellence in everything that we do and will do whatever it takes to keep our promises to the client. We possess an uncanny ability to track the smallest details while keeping an eye on the big picture, you, which makes us invaluable, strategically and tactically (especially if you’re the type of self-absorbed jackass client who actually thinks that you're the big picture).

We look forward to being a part of your team.

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Mission In Action

If you’re like us, your head is such a big, old bag of puffed up affectations and self-importance that you can barely lift it off your pillow each morning. Which is why we were so thrilled when we went looking for this month’s Mystery Mission Statement and came upon this agency's superbly pretentious website. 

So moved were we by the genuine artificiality of their site that we found ourselves weeping openly and unashamedly. Instead of some coarse About Us manifesto, instead of some boastful Client List, instead of some vulgar showcasing of their Portfolio, the site is simply, honestly, nakedly their logo and a line from The Karate Kid. 

So transported were we by the feng shuiness of it all we could have sworn we were seated at Benihana’s about to order the Hibachi Chicken.

Warren Commission Position

If you’re like us, you subscribe to the Lone Penman Theory. That’s the name given to the conclusion reached by many of us that there is a lone copywriter responsible for the  “About Us” page on each of the various agencies’ websites. 

How else can you explain that each of the award-winning full service design agency manifestos are virtually indistinguishable from all of the other award-winning full service design agency manifestos? 

Case in point is this week’s Mystery Mission Statement: 

Founded in 1999, --- ---- is an award-winning full service design agency recognized as an innovative leader in the areas of print, online and audio/visual. With outstanding creative talent, strategic vision and industry knowledge,  ---- delivers effective communications through a unified approach to integrated marketing.

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Mission Unpossible

If you’re like us, the only thing standing between you and a life of total self-absorption is the constant, whining demands of your clients. So imagine if you will, the intoxicating spirit of fellowship we felt upon seeing the phrase “client-centric” jump out at us in this week’s Mystery Mission Statement:

Entertainment design is a fickle, unforgiving business – what is considered a miracle of marketing one day is passé the next. (and then, later in the week, it reemerges as retro-cool.) In movies, games and home entertainment, trends shift rapidly and are constantly evolving. (strictly speaking, intelligent designers don't believe in evolving.) So it is all the more remarkable that for two decades ------- has been applying its awesome design talent and marketing innovation on campaigns that have stood the test of time. (if this had been an actual time emergency, you would have been instructed where to tune in your area for news and official information. This concludes this test of time.) 

Using inspired, client-centric idea-based methods, (not to be confused with the largely discredited idea-centric client-based methods) ------- creates posters, outdoor and consumer ads, wildpost campaigns, on-line banners and web designs, and now viral strategies for motion picture, gaming, television and home entertainment clients. 

Always pushing entertainment design beyond the mundane (into the super mundane) ------- has garnered entertainment advertising’s highest honors, including multiple Key Art Awards. (we take "multiple" to mean more than two pointy thingies.)

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Code Red: Severe Risk Of Mission Statement Malfunction

If you’re like us, you judge your rivals’ creativity not by their portfolio, but by their use of a second color on the “ABOUT US” page on their web site.

See if you can guess the identity (and the favorite PMS color) of this week’s Mystery Mission Statement: 

Our creative speaks well for us… because we listen to the client. We listen to the market. We listen to the consumer. At ------- Creative, we take our name seriously, because we know that the basis of advertising is communicating. (which is why we left the words “advertising” and “communicating” out of our name) We are uniquely aware of the concerns and priorities of our clients, and are able to convey what we are selling with style… and substance. Our creative team brings both experience and excitement to our work. (unfortunately, on alternating days) We are proud of our work, we are proud of our awards, but we are most proud of the tangibles that are reflected in your balance sheet. (we think that might be a typo, it should read “we are most proud of the tangibles that are reflected in our balance sheet.)  We know our campaigns sell us… but we don’t forget who we work for… and why! (but we can’t seem to remember the proper usage of… an ellipsis.)

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Mystery Missionary Posistions Revealed

Because we have no secrets here in our tiny, self-important world of entertainment advertising arts and sciences, we have added a reveal link on our previously posted Mystery Missionaries.

Access our Drinking The Kool-Aid Archives and scroll down to "Give up? Click here" at the bottom of each post.

Mission You Were Here

Here’s an “ABOUT US” statement that is so boilerplate generic we can’t even remember whose it is. 

See if you can stay awake long enough to guess the identity of this week’s Mystery Mission Statement:

---------- creates award-winning domestic and international campaigns for the entertainment industry along with corporate and consumer advertising and design.

Our clients rely on us to motivate increasingly savvy consumers by searching out provocative and powerful solutions.

For us, each new project is an invigorating experience – a new opportunity to explore the possibilities for effective, creative communication. (zzzzz -- huh? we must’ve dozed off… what’s that you said about an invigorating experience?) 

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Our Preferred Mission Position

If you’re like us, you toil passionately, tirelessly and, above all, uncomplainingly to deliver inspired, innovative work to your grateful clients and, like us, you recognize a kindred spirit when you see one.

Well, people, we have found what could only be described, if we had souls, as our soul mates in this week’s Mystery Mission Statement Agency:

Welcome to --------, a team of passionate and experienced marketing and design professionals (unlike the rest of you dilettantes out there) dedicated to delivering exceptional work that stands apart – for its innovative concepts, fresh looks and inspired creativity.

We work tirelessly to create motion picture poster campaigns that not only grab attention, but also target whose attention to grab. (also where to grab it and, more importantly, when to let it go.) Each campaign is uniquely tailored to the needs of each particular film to achieve maximum box office success. (individual results may vary; discontinue use if rash or irritation develops.)

Over the years, our marketing expertise and groundbreaking design have earned us national and international recognition, but the fact that we love what we do - and make certain the job is done to the highest standards each time it goes out the door (and comes back in again and again and again for revisions) – is reward in itself. (nonetheless, invoices are due within 30 days of receipt)

(Warning: If you guess correctly, you may find that listening to the background music on our Mystery Agency’s website will cause you to fall into that same hypnotic, self-empowering groove found at zombo.com)

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Mission Event-ized!

If you’re like us, you never read another agency’s “ABOUT US” page without feeling a slight twinge of insecurity. Are they bigger than us? Are they more beloved than us? Are they better at event-izing product offerings with big Hollywood-style hype and excitement than us? Well, to put it bluntly, yes. They are.

 

See if you can guess the identity (and the gross billings) of this week’s Mystery Mission Statement: 

At ---------, we create advertising that generates excitement and inspires the deep emotional gut level connection that provokes action. (if symptoms persist, consult your physician.) Our clients reap the rewards, by filling seats, moving bodies through doors and turnstiles, and making cash registers ring. (we’re going to assume those bodies moving through doors and turnstiles are live ones.) 

As Hollywood’s largest and most successful entertainment marketing agency, (and by “Hollywood” we don’t mean the metaphorical Capital of The American Entertainment Industry, but rather the district of Los Angeles roughly bordered by Mulholland Drive, Laurel Canyon Blvd, Melrose Ave and Griffith Park.) the clients we serve include every major movie studio, TV networks, producers of live entertainment, travel & leisure destinations and other entertainment properties...   

... But increasingly we are being called on to serve non-entertainment brands as well. (“For many are called, but few are chosen.” - Matthew 22:14.) Forward-thinking marketers recognize that our ability to entertain and excite helps them stand out in an increasingly competitive marketplace. (“They are like unto children sitting in the marketplace, and calling one to another, and saying, We have piped unto you, and ye have not danced; we have mourned to you, and ye have not wept.” – Luke 7:32) They come to us to event-ize their product offerings with big Hollywood-style hype (and by “Hollywood-style” we don’t mean the district of Los Angeles roughly bordered by Mulholland, Laurel Canyon, Melrose and Griffith Park, but rather the metaphorical Capital of The American Entertainment Industry.) and excitement or to draw upon our vast network of entertainment industry contacts to create exciting, one-of-a kind promotions. 

--------- employs a staff of more than 150 creative, marketing and production professionals across 6 divisions… (please note that all-important comma between creative and marketing) All are headquartered in our newly renovated, 37,000 square foot state-of-the-art facility in the heart of Hollywood. (which is located just above the large intestine of Hollywood.)

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Mission Embiggened

If you’re like us, nothing brings you greater joy than stumbling upon an “ABOUT US” page filled to the brim with the sort of gasconade and cock-a-doodle-doo that only a marketing weenie would love, let alone believe.

So imagine, if you will, how our spirits soared while reading this week’s Mystery Mission Statement:

We are the print division of ________, the largest single-source provider (you say provider, we say enabler) of entertainment marketing services in the country. We specialize in solving (you say solving, we say creating) complex visual problems for the theatrical, home entertainment, cable, and gaming departments of the largest entertainment firms in the world. (with offices opening soon on Mars!)

We’re a Key Art Award winning firm, poised to deliver (you say poised to deliver, we say bend over) compelling print campaigns as a single product or synergize with other ________ companies in the area of AV, Web and Motion Graphics.

Big Ideas. Big Movies. Big Results.
(Big Studios. Big Budgets. Big Profit Margins.)

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Passion’s Purple Prose

If you’re like us, often times when reading the "ABOUT US" page on an agency’s website, your eyes glaze over at all the clever, puffed up smugness. But, just as we began to despair of ever finding a truly earnest missionary position statement, we stumbled upon a quaint little designery that calls itself the "UnAgency".

At first glance, we misread it as una gency and thought it was some sort of online Mexican escort service, but upon further reading of their Manifesto, we found the inspiration and motivation to dip unceasingly into the shared unconscious of our dreams and also the dreams of others.

We invite you to take a quiet moment with this week’s Mystery Agency and re-discover the magic and the passion of our tiny, self-important world:

MANIFESTO

Who Are We and What Do We Stand For
We are known as the “UnAgency.” We have no departments, just marketing and creative professionals who prefer innovation to convention. We love the creative process – we love what we do! We build brands like we run our business, passionately and unconventionally.

Reared On Movie Magic

Our blockbuster motion picture heritage has honed our understanding of what inspires people and motivates them to respond. The magic of a movie is only superceded by the magic of the branding and advertising that draws people to a theater.

Intuition and Resonance. Standard Skills of the Creative Mind.

We have taken our lessons in “magic” and applied them to a wide range of industries. We dip unceasingly into the shared unconscious, our familiar well for new ideas. We know, from this well, our dreams are also the dreams of others. Resonance is our greatest asset. This is the intuitive key we turn to open doors for others.

Love, Connection and Influence

We are loyal to and care about our friends whom we call clients. So we give them solutions that work. We know if they're great ideas, they'll always come back for more. Our ultimate mission is to help organizations build upon their vision and communicate in the most lucid, influential and memorable way possible.

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Another Missionary Position Assumed

If you’re like us, you’ve always been a keen admirer of the sheer pomposity of this week’s Mystery Agency. So it hardly came as a surprise when we clicked on “ABOUT US” on their site and found they had gone like totally globular in their strategic thinking.

See if you guess the source of this Mystery Mission Statement:

(Our) signature is a blend of established experience and cutting edge creative – (our signature blend is also available in decaf) offering a wide range of work in every film genre. (comedy: white background; drama: dark background) We provide our clients with strategic thinking and a unique knowledge of global needs that create a clear advantage for campaigns as they travel from their theatrical debut into subsequent windows of release. (right down to their final resting place in the $7.99 DVD bin on aisle three at Rite-Aid.)

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Another Mission Accomplished

If you’re like us, your idea of romance fiction is the “ABOUT US” page on an agency’s website. See if you can guess the identity of this week’s Mystery Mission Statement:

Movies can stimulate our emotions. (and make the voices in our heads all mixed-up and crazy.) They can make us feel happy, sad, afraid, aroused, angry and horrified. (not to mention sleepy, grumpy and dopey.) Movie marketing is the business of identifying and selling these emotions. (they make it sound so coarse, don’t they?) Our goal is to create memorable and seductive images as icons for the films they represent. (or, if you prefer, we can create icons as images.) These images trigger emotions, most importantly the emotion of desire, the desire to see a movie. (warning: these images may also trigger repressed memories of childhood traumas, or just the urge to hurl.)

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Mission Accomplished

If you’re like us, when you visit another agency’s website, the first thing you click on is “ABOUT US”. What better way to get your mind off your own dead end job than to read other people’s bloated rationalizations?

So see if you can guess the identity of today’s Mystery Mission Statement:

“In every key art project, there exists the potential for a singular image, a clearly distilled concept or icon that communicates volumes in one glance. It’s there to be found. It only takes the will to look.”(and the determination to keep on looking even after you’ve found it.)

“Nothing elicits more joy or inspires more creativity in us than the chance to solve design and marketing problems in fresh and unexpected ways.”(Nothing elicits more joy? Really? Have you tried free-basing? Wife-swapping? Scrapbooking?)

Give up? Click here.